Something Fishy This Way Comes:
The Challenges
June 21st, AS XXXVIII

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The challenge of Geofrrey Gryffon
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text to follow]


The challenge of Brunissende Dragonette de Brocéliande
O Glorieux Capitaine, Formidable Champion
et Ornement Courtois de la Douce Baronie de Bhakail

I decided to write you my challenge in order to be fair to those fellow fencers who are not, as I am, favored by the gift of eloquence, and also to ensure that, exceptionally, you are able to almost understand my words.

I could have used these pages to insult you and rejoice of the fact that you are leaving the position of champion of Bhakail with a comment similar to “And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!” or “This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!”. But I respectfully think that you are an admirable Captain and a blessing for Bhakail as its champion, and I, together with the other inhabitants of Bhakail, can only bewail that somebody has to replace you from this point until the next Baronial Champion contest.

I could have been presumptuous and exaggerate my meager talents of fencers with some of the remarks analogous to the followings “Soon you´ll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!”, “You´re no match for my brains, you poor fool.” or even “I may not win, but I will take your children.”. But we both know that such overstatements would be at best ridiculous and laughable.

I could have used irreverent farm comments about your qualities of fencer, for instance “You fight like a dairy farmer” naturally leading to ”I will milk every drop of blood from your body!”. But who in his right mind would compare blood to milk? There are just not cooked the same way.

I could have used xenophobic comments in the vein of “You don't frighten us, English pig-dog!” or “How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction'!”. But I know that such remarks emanate from mediocrity and that using them would in fact lessen me. Besides, Tadcaster being so far North, is it still really England?

I could have used Latin and told you “Stercorem pro cerebro habes” or “Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum” but I really don’t know if you master Latin better than I do, and thought that you might answer “Ne feceris ut rideam”.

I could have provoked you by insulting your parents as in “Go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person.” or “Your mother was a hamster and your Father smelt of elderberries!” But not knowing your kin I find it iniquitous to doubt the fact that they are courteous and honorable people since they raised you as the worthwhile gentleman we all value.

I could have used inelegant physiological comments such as “I fart in your general direction!” or “I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!” but then that would be assuming that I have digestive trouble, or pimples to burst at you.

I could even have quoted Shakespeare with the wonderful “Thou art unfit for any place but hell”, “You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face”, “You are duller than a great thaw”, “Your sole name blisters our tongue”, “You are an index and prologue to the history of lust and foul thoughts” or “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes” (God, the man knew his job, didn’t he?). But doing that would have been exhibiting a pathetic lack of imagination…

But I am your grateful and reverential student and I would not say any of these things to you for I do not think them.

Therefore, O Glorieux Capitaine™, as a conclusion, I am humbly and deferentially requesting from you the considerable honor of letting me challenge you today.

Respectfully,

Brunissende Dragonette de Brocéliande


The challenge of Lord Collin Monroe
"
I have recently attained by combat five chicken dinners.
I challenge you to take my chicken dinners!"


The challenge of Lord Lorenzo Gorla
[text to follow]